The Truth About Love Languages

In today’s world, relationships seem to focus on “what is your love language” or “do you understand your partner’s love language”.  During a happy hour event with friends, the question came up, “what is your love language”.  Initially I did not know how to answer that question, but I blurted out “quality time”.  On my way home I kept thinking, what the hell is love language?  As anyone else would do when they do not understand something, I took out my laptop and looked it up.  Typing ‘what is love language’. 

There are five love languages.  But what are the five love languages and most importantly what do they mean?  Before 1992, the term “love languages” was not used to interpret how one receives love from others.  In 1992, an American author and radio talk show host by the name of Gary Demonte Chapman came up with his own concept of “Five Love Languages”.  Regarding human relationships, Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series. In his series, his focus was to help people express and receive love as expressed through one of five languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.  But his Five Love Languages didn’t end there.  He also authored the Five Love Language concept books for parents of children and teenagers, single adults, and a version for men.  He also co-authored “The Five Languages of Apology:” with Dr. Jennifer Thomas on how to give and receive apologies.  And to my surprise, “The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace” with Dr. Paul White, applying the concepts to work-based relationships, which I am sure we can all use. 

Now that we know there are 5 love languages in a relationship, what does it mean?  The five love languages describe the way we feel loved and appreciated.  Depending on our individual personality types, we may feel loved differently than how our partners do.  If you are like most, you fall into 1 of the 5 love language categories.  Ask yourself, how do you express love?  How do you want to be loved in a relationship?  Here is a list of the five languages of love and what they mean.

• Words of Affirmation

Do you express love with words that build up your partner?  If you do, then your partner will fall into this category.  But the words we use to express our love doesn’t have to be complicated.  The shortest and simplest phrases are always the most effective.  For example:

“I love you”

“You’re amazing”

“I love your hair today”

“You always make me laugh”

Compliments and an “I love you” can go a long way.  Words can mean a lot to your partner if they have this love language.

• Quality Time

If your partner seeks attention, they just don’t want to be included during a short period of time, they want to be the center of attention.  Like myself, I crave my Husband’s attention.  It tells me that I matter to him the most.  This doesn’t mean curling up on the couch to watch Netflix.  Quality time means you are making sure to dedicate time together without all the interruptions and distractions.  It makes me feel comforted in the relationship. 

• Receiving Gifts

For me, receiving gifts aren’t high on my list, but for some they are.  When we think of gifts, the word materialistic comes to mind.  This love language does not necessarily have to be materialistic.  Keep in mind, it is the little things.  It can be a meaningful or thoughtful gift that makes your partner feel loved and appreciate.  For example, my Hubby knows I love sweet tarts.  He will go and pick up a box of sweet tarts for me without me asking.  He was being thoughtful and displaying his love and appreciation for me. 

• Acts of Service

This is another love language that speaks to me.  Acts of Service is not the same thing as receiving gifts.  In Act of Service, you show affection by performing actions to help your partner.  One thing I absolutely love about my hubby is that he cooks daily and will go the extra mile to help me around the house or with the boy’s school work.  The past six weeks I have been sick and have been feeling very fatigued.  Sometimes I am stuck in bed and can’t move.  My hubby will immediately pick up where I left off.  My hubby will not only cook, but if I need help with laundry he is there, if I need him to pick up my prescriptions, he does it.  If I need a back rub, he is ready to give me what I need.  Those are all acts of service.  His acts of service are done with positivity and with my happiness in mind and without asking.

• Physical Touch

Some feel more connected with just their partner’s physical touch.  Holding hands, kissing hugging, etc. makes them feel more connected.  It is their way of letting the world know you are in love or loved.  If this is your partner’s primary love language, they will feel unloved without physical contact.  All the words and gifts in the world won’t change that.  They need to feel you close by not just emotionally but physically.  I am grateful for my Hubby because physical touch is always there.  I enjoy how he comes up behind me to hug on me, gives me sweet kisses or holds my hand while we are in bed watching tv.  His physical touches goes a long way. 

When we talk about love languages, one of the mistakes people make in relationships is they make it about them.  It isn’t about your love language; it is about your partner’s love language.  You and your partner may not speak the same love language, and that is okay.  You can speak different love languages and still have a healthy relationship.  It is what you make of it.  But there is also a little more to it than just the five love languages. 

My hubby and I discussed the five love languages.  When asked what is your love language, his response was none of them.  I was surprised at first, but the way he explained it made sense.  His interpretation of love languages is that it is some made up concept that someone came up with but it is really what you make of it in your relationship. This is what he had to say about love languages:

“Love language is a made-up concept.  It didn’t come around before a certain date and it was really a way for someone to make money off of it.  What is most important is the respect, working together with your partner, and the love you give daily.  Try worrying about your own relationship and not someone else’s.  Don’t be one of those people who cheat and pretend to love your spouse.  And if you are not happy, either work towards fixing the relationship or get out.”

His statement was very direct, but very honest.  One of the things I love about him the most is how transparent he is with how he feels or what the expectations should be in our marriage.  And he is absolutely right!!

One of the great lessons love teaches us is the ability to see our partner as “other” and find ways to understand and make room for someone who is not like us.  But there are some things people get wrong about love languages.  Love languages can get competitive.  It can cause the argument of “who does more”.  Love languages can change, and because of that it is essential to actively listen to your partner in order to have a healthy relationship.  Yea we can show our love for others, but love doesn’t only have to be given to us by others.  Fulfilling your inner love tank, loving yourself, is what is needed as well before bestowing our partners with small acts of love. 

Understanding and learning to speak each other’s love languages will not remedy toxic behaviors, nor will it remedy an issue once it is emerged.  If your partner has cheated on you or constantly has cheated, giving gifts, words, or acts of service does not address this core issue or stop the spiral.  Don’t put band aids over your problems.  Those problems will continue to resurface and continue to add more labors of pain, hurt and anger. People love the idea of a quick fix, but marriage is not about quick fixes.  A relationship, especially in a marriage, requires an entire tool kit.  Alongside quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and gift giving there needs to be honesty, trust, shared goals, and ways to repair and reconnect after the inevitable conflicts.  If more couples did that in their relationship, there would be less sneaking around and infidelity in one’s relationship.  You wouldn’t have to worry about if your partner is seeking attention elsewhere.

Love languages, as great as it sounds, does not fix underlying issues.  The bottom line, it is not the ultimate answer, nor the only factor in your relationship.  Love languages are not the only element of a successful relationship.  In our relationship, bringing empathy and seeing our partner as different and listening to what they need and want are essential skills that make our relationship thrive.  Although Chapman explains in his Five Love Languages book on how to best make a relationship thrive, it is just one small portion of what makes a successful relationship overall. A flourishing relationship begins with “knowing our own inner landscape and how to bring a healthier, clearer, more receptive, and more mature self to our relationships.”

“We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love”

Gary Chapman

“Infidelity is not about love but about a personal need system out of whack, an inability to set boundaries, a sense of entitlement, an addiction problem, unresolved internal tension from a long time ago, a deep-seated belief of inadequacy plus more.”

Dr. Robert Huizenga

“Most people cheat because they’re paying more attention to what they’re missing rather than what they have.”

Unknown

“Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living.  It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built.  Where trust is, love can flourish.”

Barbara Smith

“To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.”

Unknown

“The best foundation for relationships to grow, flourish, and succeed is a deep-rooted friendship.”

Unknown